To be 19 again

So my birthday is in a little bit more then a month away to be exact it will be July 9.  I will officially be 29 years old.   I am having a bit of an emotional crisis here. It's my last year of being in my 20's.  I feel so overwhelmed by that fact. Really its my last year of being in what to most is suppose to be your fun and fancy free time. I almost feel like I haven't lived life. I had my first son when I was 19, second son when I was 21 and the twins I was just turning 23.  So I grew up fast and really have not experience the whole party scene and doing alot of the things that I typically had envisioned myself doing.

I did not want to be one of those young mom's that leave thier children in the care of thier parents and go out and party.  I have taken my role of mom seriously like I should have.   But I still feel like I missed out on something and have been trying to fill that void.

I had this list time line of where I wanted to be by my 30th bday.  In my plans I should have been just getting married and in my dream I should have had kids at 35.  Lets just say the train got derailed by my own doing.

So what now...I was thinking of for just one year being selfish and having some fun... but ultimately I would feel guilty for doing it since I do see myself as a mom. But just for this ONE Birthday I am going to party it out.   It has taken months of planning just to get this one day to myself. Babysitters are lined up as I had to split the kids.  But at least I want to have one partying story to tell the grandkids...

So wish me luck on my journey of reflecting as to  what I want this last year of being in my 20's to be.

Who Controls You

I wrote this a few weeks back but forgot to post but this is just how I was feeling at the moment...Things are much better now......


What to do when you feel you are being pushed in so many directions....when you feel you don't want to give up on something that you yearn.

What to do when your love ones say hurtful words that may be true to an extent but yet they have not lived through any of this.

What to do when you love someone and all you want them to do is admit thier wrong doing and prove to you what you already know about them; that they can be a great person.

But everyone wants you to leave everything you have worked hard for and call it quits but how do you come to terms with that. 

Also then they throw the dad card around... are you kidding me.

for once in my life stop expecting everything from me.   I was that perfect girl growing up and even then what did that get me.